Letting go the fear out of marriage

Dr. Manpreet Singh

A happy marriage is the foundation of a stable family. As the culture of divorce spreads throughout the world, some sociologists even suggest that the end of family is only a question of time. The individualism and consumerism of the West is growing and taking its toll in the Asian countries which historically have enjoyed a strong family and community system. The institution of marriage, consequently family, is threatened by prevailing wider acceptance of divorce — the cause of broken individuals, families, children and immense suffering.

A major reason for rising divorce rates today is attributed to romanticized view of love and marriage. The general individual disillusionment with marriage is particularly fuelled by the consumerist media —cinema, television and fictional romance literature —which glorifies romance and creates an unrealistic, rosy and romanticized view of love. Individuals tend to look for heroes or heroines in their married relationships rather than committing themselves to the daily grind of life and the responsibilities and duties it entails. The focus shifts on pleasure maximization in a dreamy world than on a calm and stable lifestyle and realistic viewpoint. In the absence of mature and committed approach in relationships, the notions of romantic love grow out of proportion and lead to illusory attachment, causing fear and suffering.

Exaggerated Romance

The voracious media targeting popular consumption—witness the explosion of Harlequin novels, television soap operas, movies, advise tracts, and women journals... the same ideas about love and its woes are repeated over and over again and then ad nauseam. What is more, by all accounts vast numbers of individuals hunger for reading and hearing not only about love in all its many guises, but most continue to "fall in love", passionately and with romantic abandon... more often than not, romantic love tends to lead to marriage. And if individuals decide to divorce, most are eager to recommit themselves to another exclusive relationship.

And the cycle of falling in and out of love with its inherent suffering continues in the mire of loose morality in quest of "true love". That's the common story in our modern world. The romantic love carries within it the seeds of clinging attachment. One gets attached to the idea of romantic love, and then attached to the beloved. A person objectifies the other and tries to possess and control the beloved, curbing natural freedom so essential for the flower of love to blossom. The lovers mostly end up in imprisoning each other in the romantic cage and suffocate the relationship due to fear of loss, suspicion and jealously — all the bitter fruits resulting from misplaced notions of romantic love.

The Buddhist Perspective

Buddhism helps us in setting the perspectives right in this context. The stress on compassion and essential nonattachment can guide one to be realistic in expectations and handle the situation through a balanced approach. Buddhist practitioners have compared the nature of true love in contrast to the illusory love as advanced by those with commercial considerations. Buddhist scholars emphasize the importance of a meaningful and true love:

Happiness is only possible with true love. True love has the power to heal and transform the situation around us and bring a deep meaning to our lives."

Buddhist scholars, studying relationship conflicts which arise out of excessive attachment in the modern society, offer a meticulous analysis of the dangers involved in such situations. They have tried to dissect the problems both from moral and psychological point of view:

Your most intimate relationships are the places where love and fear can grow simultaneously. You may believe it is the depth of your love that makes you fear its loss, but it is not love that brings fear — it is the demand that your love should be the only thing in this world that should be exempt from change. Resistance to loss can also make your heart wither. Fear makes you self-centered and self-preoccupied.

Relationships and Change

Buddhism brings home the awareness about the nature of change in all aspects of life. It tells us that everything changes and change is continuous despite our resistance, or denial of it. Clinging to an idea or the beloved won't help prevent the natural flow of change. People get attached and want the transient pleasurarable situations and feelings to stay constant. But eventually when it becomes impossible to retain and sustain the force of pleasing sentiments and emotions in their relationships or the beloved, the suffering occurs.

When our desire for a loved one fades, our whole view of that person may be transformed. Sometimes this change happens so suddenly that it astonishes us. In such a case the desire had been eclipsing the true nature of the other and of the relationship. Such desire is maintained by mutual ignorance of the other's true nature.

Buddhism teaches us to be aware, awakened rather than follow mindlessly the role models and tempting lifestyles continuously disseminated by the media for commercial ends. In a consumerist society it takes a conscious and wise approach in not being fooled by the make-believe world. Buddhism guides us in not losing the mental balance in all situations.

The make-believe world of romance, when it begins to fall apart in the midst of everyday routine and struggles, a person seems to lose control over his illusory world— with its rosy imagination and dreams, nourished so long with regular dose of romance. The person tries to cling, control and find faults with the situation, oneself, the spouse and the whole world. The want is that people should act and situations should happen in accordance with one's desires. But the nature of desire is that it never brings lasting satisfaction and only creates more clinging and craving. The mental equilibrium so necessary for carrying out daily chores seems to give way:

When you build exalted images of others, you are disappointed when they fail to live up to your expectations. You get angry with them when they act or speak in ways that don't conform to how you need and want them to be.

Cultivating Awareness

Buddhism tells us to be alert and have a detached view of our emotions, which helps to be in control rather than becoming a slave, or being at their mercy of our passing passions. Buddhism warns us of the temptations and the consequent suffering. On the path of liberation it shows us that the problem lies in attachment. Getting attached to an idea or a person interferes with one's faculty of judgment and right action, particularly so in close relationships:
In your closest and most intimate relationships, attachment is the near enemy of compassion. It is not the attachment itself or the deep bonds of care that sabotage compassion and wisdom. It is your desire to control all things, including pain that undermines compassion. It is your insistence that permanence should never touch you or those you love.

Buddhism encourages us to retain an aware, balanced and detached view in the face of all relationship challenges. It tells us to follow nonattachment to avoid suffering. Buddhist idea of "nonattachment", though one of the most well-known, is also the most widely misinterpreted one. The word "nonattachment" as advanced by the Buddhists is mostly viewed by the lay people as meaning indifference. Particularly in the West, people tend to view the Buddhist nonattachment out of context. The widespread misconceptions about the Buddhist idea of "nonattachment has to be understood and replaced with clear understanding of the term:

Westerners are confused when they think that Buddhist translations that counsel giving up attachment, craving, thirst, clinging, and desire mean that we should abandon all motivated activity whatsoever. ..The Buddhist teachings do not suggest that we give up intentional activity in general, rather that we give up fixed adhesion to things and ideas, and they offer various strategies for doing so. The difficulty we have in imagining "stick-free" activity shows us how immersed we are in attachment.

Controlling Attachment

As for the attachment, its nature is such that it goes on increasing till it becomes a burden—a cage, a prison and a self-defeating device in man-woman relationships. It catches the person unaware and he ceases to differentiate between genuine affection and possessiveness which cause anxiety, fear and suspicion, and ruins the peace of mind.

Yet subtly, that care can begin to be mixed with investment and holding, and this is when you begin to suffer in the face of change. The unrealistic demand for permanence can fix itself to anything... How do you know when attachment has replaced engagement and care...
Because you become intolerant to challenge, difference, or change. You become rigid, self-righteous, and defensive— and you suffer.

The crippling sense of attachment and fear can be handled by practicing Buddhist principles of compassion and nonattachment. One need not think himself a failure or become harsh towards oneself when caught in the web of self-created illusions on romantic love. Shouldn't judge or condemn oneself too harshly, but be simply aware of one's working of mind, experiences and responses. Buddhism teaches us to show compassions towards others and as well as towards oneself. And such situations demand compassionate attitude in the face of suffering. One should make effort to practice nonattachment.

It becomes important to perceive "nonattachment" in a proper light as meant in Buddhism. Nonattachment doesn't at all mean neglect or cold indifference towards the others' needs and one's responsibilities. It is not devoid or exclusive of the Buddhist values of compassion and wise action.

In order to not get entangled with attachment, one has to apply a detached view—remain aware, not get fixed with the passing phenomenon of the mind, or bow to the dictates of the heart. The mind has to be in control to see clearly, and not get swayed by the passing emotions. In the matter of heart the temptations can be very powerful to make one lose one's calm, tranquility and sense of judgment.

Love is easily distorted by attachment and demand...When love does not embrace the wisdom of impermanence, birth and death, it is rooted in a denial that will break your heart and shatter your capacity to be a compassionate refuge for those you love.

Letting Go

One also has to learn to practice the art of "Letting Go» when the situations demand. By letting go the troubles, the fixations of the mind one can retain one's calm and sound judgment. And "Letting Go" is not a one-time achievement. One has to practice this art as one continues on the journey of life. And Letting Go is not to be confused with abandoning of compassion and commitment.

Letting go is not a relinquishment of love but a release of illusion - the illusion that love will protect you and your loved ones from life's natural rhythms...Being patiently willing to cultivate the art of letting go in the places we hold most tightly brings a freedom from fear and resistance.

There is need to see love as a human experience which brings joy in life through commitment, maturity, compassion and understanding. True love is not an illusion. It should not become bondage and bring misery. It has to be seen with regard to a man's true nature. Conscious effort has to be made by individuals to make the flower of love blossom and its fragrance fills the human heart with peace and tranquility: For love to be true, it must contain compassion, joy and equanimity."

Mature Love, Enduring Marriage

The need to unmask the real face of romantic love becomes significant in our modern society amidst the growing talk of the institution of family being weakened. The emphasis from romantic love to enduring love has to be brought. The illusory expectations of romance purported by the vested interests have to be confronted with real situations and challenges of life—with mental fortitude, maturity, character and commitment. Buddhism can respond by building a strong sense of commitment and compassion to transform romantic love into mature love. Because only true, compassionate love can be foundation of a joyous married life and can pave the way for a harmonious, happy and stable family.